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s I sit here, surrounded by the grey and cold of winter, I'm reminded of Dorothy's famous line from The Wizard of Oz: "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." It seems like a lot of people are saying that to me lately, as if I should know what they mean. But honestly, I just smile and nod sympathetically, because they look at me like I'm some kind of magician who can fix whatever's wrong.

    I really don't know what people expect to happen. Is the sky going to fall? Maybe. I've been avoiding the weather reports, but it seems like winter is here to stay for a while longer. What I hate about this time of year is that it's just so... wintery. No formula for skipping to spring, no matter how much we wish.

    It feels like three hundred years since I blew up my TV set in frustration with the news. The gnashing of teeth and weeping are getting old. We were warned what was coming, after all. So why not just take a cue from bears and more evolved forms of life? Find a nice cave and sleep for four years – maybe when we wake up, there'll be a new reality to deal with.

    We made our choice, followed the rules, and some people are happy about it. That's how it is supposed to work, right? Did you get what you wanted? Maybe next time. We've been doing this since 1789, after all. I have a faint hope that the process will continue.

    I'll never be in Kansas, but I know people from there who love their home state. Even Dwight D. Eisenhower, our fifth greatest President, didn't go back to Kansas after his illustrious career. So what's so great about Kansas, anyway?

    People get upset everywhere, just like they do in Kansas. But we've got a record of buying stuff cheap – and I mean really cheap. Take the Louisiana Purchase, for example. We bought it from France for $15 million, which was a steal compared to the $10 million Jefferson wanted to pay for New Orleans alone.

    We also signed treaties with Spain, annexed Texas after they revolted against Mexico's abolition of slavery, and took over Hawaii after American planters overthrew the indigenous ruler. And let's not forget the Philippines – we fought a "splendid little war" with Spain in 1898 and took control of several islands.

    As Teddy Roosevelt might have said, "A nice bag! Bully!" But I'm not sure he actually did say that. What I do know is that President McKinley had a moment of divine inspiration: "Take them all!"

    We still have Puerto Rico as a territory, a base in Cuba, and some influence in the Philippines – but that's another story. We used to be pretty good at acquiring real estate, but we weren't always sure what to do with it.

    In 1916, we bought the Danish West Indies from Denmark for $25 million in gold coin. Today they're known as the American Virgin Islands. So, there you have it – that's how the American Empire grew between 1776 and 1917.

    Now, Mr. Trump has imperial ambitions. Buy Greenland from Denmark? Take back the Panama Canal? Annex Canada? There are precedents for all of these things. And who knows, maybe we'll even take over the Gaza Strip and treat its indigenous people like our own ancestors were treated. History is a great teacher, after all.

    I'm going to go back to my foxhole for the rest of the winter – I hope it doesn't get nuclear.