M
orning I felt ready for a challenge, but the house in this week’s column was a different beast. The listing boasts 98 photos; I’ve already saved 36. The owners poured nearly $2 million into upgrades, yet the asking price is only $3.5 million—an absurd ratio that even a math‑averse mind can’t ignore.

    The property spans over 12,000 sq ft, complete with a grand waiting area for guests before they descend the staircase. My dog, Hazelberg, would have knocked over the glass art piece if he’d seen his reflection in the mirror. The garden’s roses look more like ears to me, and the marble island behind the spider‑leg chairs is a sight to behold. Who can explain the yellow egg‑pod décor? And those bar seats—hairy, crumb‑laden, and in need of a vacuum.

    The bar itself is a highlight, but I suspect the $2 million went to the women with bowl haircuts and gold‑plated lips rather than the furnishings. A typical conversation in the bedroom would go something like: “Where’s the remote?” “What?” “The remote!”—a scene that could end a 32‑year marriage. The closet is even more chaotic.

    A friendly “Welcome to Dillard’s” greeting echoes through the kitchen marble, and after a tub slip, the neighbors might come to help. Yet the biggest mystery remains: why does my elbow hit the shower head in this 12,000‑sq‑ft, $3.5 million Ivyland, PA home?

    All in all, the house is a mix of extravagance and absurdity, with a bar that invites you to bring on the alcohol.